Jenny & Maowii

You will embark on new things. He is pleased from the point you've said yes before thursday. There is something new birthed this week, though you may not have understood.

You desired to be prophesied over. You want to hear from Him. You will be going on a roller coaster. Don't be afraid. Jesus is seated right behind you but yes, you will be on the front seat.

-----

Amazed. Again and again. Over and over.

Encountered @ the Encounter

It was $80 that I would give $800 for. Once again, what a setup I was in for and You orchestrated the unfolded events. One by one.

Because You never left. I wanted to walk away. And You call me back, slowly but surely. By and in Your grace, I failed to trust in You despite all that I went through with you before. Yet You never count it on my failure to pour on me Your goodness.

What a wretched sinner I was. No longer I am but I was. I have been dumb. Silly. Ignorant. Stubborn. Reluctant. Dejected.

Maybe a part of me still lingers the stench of self-centredness. 

Tonight of all days and nights, You chose to show up today. That milo/barley talk at Kopitiam. That kueh/tehC talk over the glass table. That going for a conference that I saw it pointless given my decision to step down from worship pretty soon enough.

To say that I understood You would be a lie. To say that I understand You now would also be a lie

Seated in that ordinary auditorium, the natural me questioned if any good would come out of the conference. People were trickling in even the start time was running late. Registration was a mess & the entire compound still reeked from the fresh coats of paintwork and brand nee furnishings.

I have been to umpteen conferences & workshops and i grew confident that this would be one of the experiences went through, and sealed in the storage space somewhere in the unconscious back of my mind.

Opening part was mediocre. The emcees were pretty informal & entertaining. But that was pretty much it, I told myself.

And when we came to the segment after a time of exhortation, it was about to change just about everything. The lead worship leader & speaker (Neil) shared on vulnerability. Things just ramped up from there. 

Maybe it was the use of music and play of atmosphere. Maybe it was the motivational words. Yet all these were thrown out of the window from the start by the same speaker.

As I struggled within me on surrendering my fig leaves, I eventually let it go. Following the call to act upon letting go, I jotted down what I wanted to surrender to You.

I think tonight, I finally did. And really did. You amazed me when You decide to answer my prayer request only after the service ended; after people started leaving. And right there, You showed up. You used people I never would imagined to minister to me. You showed me how much a Beloved means to You. 

Maybe decisions made won't be changed. But I know from here on, I have the freedom to choose; to decide. I had to be broken in order to be built up. The enlargement of my soul is more than a one liner read in a book picked up.

The journey ahead is full of bumps. I am lying if I said I'm confident of handling what is to come; what lies ahead. Times that I feel I'm all alone up against Goliath, help me forget not that You are right HERE beside me. 

Grace, grace. More of Your grace to carry me through to complete what You have set me upon.

The Divine Set Up. You the Director, the Producer, the Lead Actor. Take it from here, I'm ready.

Not Like This

After what happened tonight, it just makes everything so much more obvious. I can't go on this way much longer. It cuts deep within me, right through and through, and I feel an unspoken unexpectation to hold it together within. 

Processing Redefined

I can't conclude today's meeting to be a positive one or not. To begin with, what's the point of agreeing with my decision and thereafter setting a condition to it? Frankly I have voiced out my desire for good reasons. Suppose if people are still going to impose their expectations on me, I'll make my stand. I have voiced out my tiredness since months now, and I am completely ready to move into a new season.

To be fair, I did have some takeaways today. Some valid ones that I learned to keep while others I totally don't agree. A particular sharing point today did ticked me off within. I felt it was really unfair towards me, and I was never given a chance to justify myself.

Anyway, I choose to move on. Things have changed, and I guess so should I.

The past few days have been a series of decisions that I have made and would want to commit to. I got to learn to understand someone else, or so I was told. Then who's to understand me?

I'm unable to give further. One who does not receive, has nothing to give. Maybe all the issues just lie with me.

At the rate how things are going, I'm quite sure my prediction is going to realize.

Burning...

Perhaps of what is to come.

Maybe the best thing to do

For some reason, the drifting gets more evident as time goes by.

Giving up is really horrible.

And I fear that time is drawing near.

Summed Up

And this morning just marks the coming of an end to my stay on Canaan.

It has been a humbling journey. One which I set off with certain expectations and now I am about to return home with a different set of goals or outcomes. It is a wonder how each duration back at this incredible place of miracles never fails to send my mind into a mode of anticipating the End Times.

Once again, I came with a pretty much personal agenda. And once again, I would leave with a personal agenda except this time, it wasn't mine.

And perhaps the path ahead isn't one traffic junction where I have to determine immediately if it is going to be a turn or straight ahead. It seemed more apt to compare to a boat set sail on a journey towards its destination. One where a boat that always looks to its compass will eventually reach its end goal whereas the other that assumes the direction it sets out upon will always be right, ends up nowhere.

As I once again raise my anchor and sails forth in faith, I remind myself that time to time, it is essential to lower my anchor and find my bearing. And surely if I have gone off course, it would be imperative to change my direction to be back on course than to stubbornly refuse change.

So Lord, may my prayer rise up to the Heavens.
To your ears, I gently whisper my desires.
Be the anchor of my soul,
As I give You full control.

Be that Lamp unto my feet and that Light unto my path.
May my heart burn for You with passion and if the need for it, my body too.

So that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way:
- bearing fruit in every good work
- growing in the knowledge of God
- being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience
- and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.

A very important reminder

http://www.caintv.com/by-definition-if-you-dont-get

Unknown

Journeys involve movement, action, stops and starts, detours, delays, and trips into the unknown.

Journey Of Rediscovering

So I am finally here, in the midst of a journey of rediscovering.
It has been a roller coaster 2013 and I don't know what to expect ahead.

God is always greater than all of our troubles. ~ M.B.

Too tired

I guess i'm walking away.

So maybe it's time

Remind Myself

Ahoy

To discover new grounds, is to leave the shoreline. and I look forward to the journey before me. Maybe it's staying put, maybe it's a call to move away. Whatever it maybe, I know I want it Your way more than anything.

So lead me Lord, lead me as You will. Renew my faith to follow You. Regardless.

Keeps for life.

It's been 48 hours, but it is still so fresh in my memory.

That last dinner with her; that last phone call to her; that last glimpse of her breathing.

Now she's gone, I know it'll take a while but she can never leave my heart.

My Birthday Present to 阿妈

Sunday Dinners will never be the same again.

Ah Gong & Ah Ma

Treasures of my heart

I am still in shock though it's been a week now.

阿嬷，

一路好走。

孙子，阿杨敬上。

Capacitated.

I choose to believe You have capacitated me for this season, for a reason.

I choose to believe I will not hit a burn out in the arms of Your loving arms. I will rest easy.

I choose to believe You are stretching me far beyond my expectations, beyond my comfort zone.

I choose to believe that even in the pains and sorrows, there is joy when I choose to look Your way.

So I pray,

For the sake of the world, 

Burn like a fire in me.

Light a flame in my soul,

For every eye may see.

To be a fool for You,

To give You my youth.

A season of seeds to sow,

And I want to keep my soul.

Take my life, and let it be.

According to Your Will.

----------------------------

Much more expectations have been put in my way. Time to be reminded, to live worthy of him and pleasing to Him, not Man.

Listen & Discern

When You're not speaking, I know You're listening. It really stirred within me how things are unfolding these past weeks & months.

It seems pretty obvious at some point yet at another, it doesn't. It's kind of like staring through the window on a misty day. Some signs are clearly showing me that You are opening a door for me to the next chapter of my life. Yet rationalization creeps into my mind & questions bombard me.

I will choose to wait upon You & seek You. As much as it excites me & is stirring within me a calling, I want to know it's according to Your plan for me.

Reason or season, this is my prayer. I surrender; let all my desires and all I desire be Your Will in my life.

Things I don't understand

So yes God, Church Camp 2013 has come to an end.
But I know You were in our midst the whole time, even during the Leaders' R&R.


Somethings interesting happened this camp and I'm not sure what You're doing.
But I know I will stand by Your last word to me, and I will wait on You.

Living life on top.

You hold my future in Your hands

Lord I surrender, my agenda, my will.

Times like this I find myself at a crossroad; a cross junction. Maybe some get stuck here not knowing which route to take; some get lost assuming their sense of direction is right.

Mine? Is to constantly seek Your counsel. And when you stay silent, it is the same principle as any instructor has, stay on the course.

So God I pray in the exciting times and in the stressful times ahead, keep me sane and keep me saint, that wherever I maybe, my life be a projection of You.

Long time coming

Seems like I have not spoken to you in ages. Tonight's reminder just can't be any better timing...

I pray, either you enlarge my plate or take stuff off it. I choose to believe there is nothing you cannot redeem.

It's been great thus far. Yet, it can be greater; better. Trusting you all the way.

Intimacy with you is a necessity of life.

The Strength to Stand Alone

Rant

I shall not rant. How then do I find release and yet not sin against You?

No Doubts About It

Today has been such an encouragement after all.
The worship duty. The turnout in cell.
I say it must be You.
It must be You doing something in our midst.

More of You Lord. More Lord.

Little notes along the way

Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path: (Proverbs 23:19 NIV)

“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. (John 4:34 NIV)

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (1 Timothy 6:12 NIV)

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:8, 9 NIV)

A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart. To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice. (Proverbs 21:2, 3 NIV)

On Guard

Barely a day has passed, and so much has had to happen.

God, thanks for putting all these in my life. I know well that at the end of it all, they were meant to strengthen me; my faith in You; my dependency on You.

Show me how to love like You have loved me.

Where does my Help come from

I guess where I am placed this season, there is far more for me to learn than I can imagine.

Question is, how much am I willing to rely on Him and humble myself to learn; to love; to live?

Risk or Faith

Having the night to sit & think about life. Not exactly my life but to steward what He has graciously given me. Fact that things have turned out like this & for me to learn of certain matters, has subtly injected questions in my head.

I wish it could be simpler for me, a little more normal like everyone else. Truth is I may at times just want to fit in, i really do. But I guess the Call is just too important and significant to ignore.

So comes the days ahead. I foresee the road cluttered with potholes and obstacles along the way, yet sometimes in driving or following a path, one simply has to keep a constant lookout for signs. Tell tale signs.

In the first place, I regard myself as undeserving. Surely, there are tons of other options & candidates God can use. People with great wisdom, people with great charisma. The fact that all these years of "serving" I have regarded myself as "Not enough". The good out of it? Is always testifying to God's providence in my shortcomings. I guess that's part of the journey.

Things at work really don't seem to get easier. The point of me even harboring the thought to retaliate is so real that I envisioned what I would actually do while in the thick of being oppressed. I'm only human. I actually still have way more flaws than people see. I think ultimately, I need that counseling.

"Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city" Prov 16:32

End of the day, is a good reminder for me to remain thankful. "Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Eph 5:20.

The small little of voice of God that reminded me why I go through what i go through. At Your very Word, I will stay put; I will stand firm; I will wait it out until You call me to move. My prayer that Your Will supercedes my desires and convict me in Your Spirit and lead me to do as You will.

So much to come in the journey with you. I thank You once again.

Bearing

Because just as important as it is to be equally yoked, it is a good reminder again to be headed in a common direction.

I yield to Your Call, do as You wish.

The Ultimate...

Yup I'm praying for much more revelation to come!

A Self-Awareness of Limits

I think it's a season of limits right now. Not just recognizing mine, but in others as well and learning to embrace theirs.

One of the challenges I'm challenged with, is rejection. I begin to see how it was shaped through my years of growing up (hopefully am still), and for me to appreciate how it can be my strength as well as my weakness.

Hence the greater need to be anchored/abide in God. A greater dependency on Him to reveal these things to me who in all my wisdom, will never understand.

For what is worth, I hope I remain thankful for what has happened thus far. I pray for His help to remain sane in the midst of Martha-ing yet finding the time to be Mary-ing.

To greater glorify You, is to boldly declare my weakness and dependence on You. Alone.

The timely reminder(s)

Far too easy to be distracted in life.

I find myself like a little boat with an achor far too long. Sure enough I still remain anchored but can it be firmer? Can the length of the anchor chains be shorter that i be nearer to my anchor?

Inward Excellence. A good reminder tonight of what had been on my mind. Again. It probably will keep coming back anytime, but I'll stand ready; prepared to fight it off each time it comes at me.

End of the day: maybe I'm the problem. End of the day: Am I seeking what my Lover desires? Am I coming back to my anchor? Am I still abiding?

We Are The Reason

What I live for.

Stay Rested

Despite being a long weekend, it doesn't feels like it.
One can simply tell by reading my previous entry.
Plagued with typos in an attempt to blog before I nod off. LOL.

The busying on Good Friday.
The need to return to office on Sat.
The busying again on Sunday.

Things I've learned & appreciated along the way, yet I have to examine my lifestyle.
I want to be mindful of what I am choosing in life.
Else, I fall into a vicious cycle of losing my connectivity with Him.

And I fear that so often.
I fear that I lose the sensitivity to hear God in the hardening environment of my workplace.
I fear that I lose the passion & desire to wait upon the Lover of my Soul.

So I will keep my eyes fixed on high and far above.
To a Savior who gave ALL of Himself for me.
For Him I will choose to live my life.

GOOD FRIDAY

What I don't deserve.

It has been a loooong day. Up early in the morning for last min lrevisions to the sermonette, then off to church for Team1 practice. Thereafter was Good Friday Service, and yes I was giving a short sermon.

Then after service ended, there was practice for Sunday. To think i skipped breakfast & lunch, and it's always hard to imagine!

It has been a great day.
Thank You Lord :)

OH THAT RUGGED CROSS

Oh that rugged cross my salvation 
Where Your love poured out over me 
Now my soul cries out hallelujah 
Praise and honour unto Thee 


Song that has been playing through the week in my car.
A timely reminder.
Where I am & why I am.

In less than 24 hours, I'd be up on the pulpit sharing my 2nd sermonette.
A sermonette that God has used my life's circumstance to speak to me.
I can only pray that my focus be fixed on Him and not on my situation.

Just today, things went to a whole new level.
"If you were in Korea, you'd be dead" was the remark.

You know how people used to read of encouragements like
Obeying God even though we do not understand why.
Easy to say, hard to practice. So true.

Here's something to share from last night:

Harder I try, deeper it gets

Guess I better pen it down. Elsewhere.

Self-Correcting

So apparent that a leader is supposed to be able self-direct; self-counsel; self-correct.
Question is, to what standards? By whose guidance? And how does one knows he's there?

1. The Holy Spirit. The God-Partnering Spirit (GPS), is the only device a Christian leader ought to follow. A GPS in this case, is better than an actual one. The Holy Spirit is one who constantly guides a Godly leader, especially when he's lost.

I guess it really applies much to me, in this season where there's so much darkness. It's funny how every season of darkness that shrouds me seem to be bigger than the previous one. Toughest thing to do, probably to really listen to Him and obey.

2. The Bible. The infallible Word of God (Yes I still don't get that definition). But I guess one thing I have experienced in the last 8 years, is that the Word must come to life through application. It is so much more than celebrating the victories and the joys read, the pains and the brokenness. It is in the pain; the sorrow; the defeats, that showed me so much of God.

I will always remember the principles I've picked up along the way in reading the Bible. Pointers that I have kept deep in my heart because they have taught me much and shaped me who I am today through life's experiences. My life experiences.

3. The Counsel. Thank God for the loveliest and dearest peoples in my life. Those who loved me for who I am, and those who showed me who really loved me. People who God must have placed along my life to point me back to Him.

---------------------------------------

I really don't think I deserve to be where I am, I don't.

Trust

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this;   ~ Psalms 37:3-5

This weekend wasn't exactly much of a slowdown to rest. Think I have to get really intentional for the next one. Especially if I'm feeling like I'm leaking already =S

Much I do not understand. But there is someone up high who does.
So I will ask; I will seek; I will wait.
But that takes time, takes intentional effort, takes space & silence.

Can't get enough of it. Can't wait for the day to come.

A Realization

The greatest blow is not in the knowing.
It lies in the assumption that every effort was made;
that one has been trying to do things the 'right' way;
that a given input should naturally come a given output.

But sorry, that's just not how God works.

Passion & Compassion

It sums it all. This season of waiting upon You.
Somehow, every occurrence and event is only a part of Your greater plan.

Perhaps this is a confirmation; a sign from You for me to move in 2013.
You know too well how I feel inside me, and I'm glad You do even without me telling You.

In a way, I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do much to change the situation. Yet, I'm learning from the journey of not being in control, and watching You come through. Frankly, I wouldn't hesitate a single bit if You were to call me out this instant. But I suppose it doesn't always happen the way I envision it to be.

Another sign I picked up today: Emotional distance. The last 3 weeks really isn't the best season for me. A topic that some probably feel that it is His timing for this season. Perhaps? I don't know if that applies to myself. Not anymore. If there is 1 thing that I picked up about pleasing Him, it is the fact that my heart's desire must firstly be God Himself & not necessarily the girl of my life whom I think I desire. To stop living a false illusion that there is a girl of my heart's desire out there waiting. He didn't exactly promise that right?

Calling the grapes sour or choosing to avoid. I feel like I have been doing all I can. I can't say I have surrendered it, but I choose to lay it down. It is wearing me and getting to me. It isn't healthy, and something has to be done about it. I guess I'm just too stubborn to seek help about this, I'll just manage along.

On a side note, maybe He is more interested in another facade of my life currently. It seemed like in the past weeks He has been reminding me, and it seems to have become clearer now. No doubt about it, Ps Benny has done a marvelous job presenting the issue of a typical modern BGR concept in the local church context, yet the sorely-lacking education of God-centeredness is resounding in me. The fact that a God-honouring relationship ought to show signs of spiritual growth and maturity between the two willing boy & girl coming together.

It is pretty darn obvious that it is getting to me. I fear it'll get worse and consume me. Doesn't help the fact that time isn't exactly on my side & I feel like I've not been coming back to my Source. I'm glad for the coming 2 weekend breaks. Maybe some time by myself will do me good. Just You & me, away to a far place where no one will find us.

I know I'm not quite the goody guy, but I pray that least I give my best. There is just so much ahead for me to work on, and I should be thankful that God is giving me the grace & time & space to uncover slowly each aspect of my life that needs to be surrendered to Him.

"So that You may live a life worthy of the Lord..."

Grate-full

Perhaps it is a reminder to be thankful.

Not the way I imagined it to be, but surely He has His kreative ways.

Note to self: salt & light of the world. And that means first to be in the midst of the darkness, cause that's where the smallest flame shines the brightest.

The Lucky Guy

A call to surrender. Everything.

A Change that remains unchanged

"But first you must risk it before God in prayer."

I guess I still refuse to let it go, and hold on to it even stronger.
Like a stubborn little brat who refuses to move away from the aisle of toys in the department store,
I guess the only coping mechanism at this point is putting myself at a distance.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Hard as I try, the hurt is still seemingly buried somewhere deep down.
And it surfaces every now and then, I can only suppress it the best I can.
I tell myself perhaps it is a journey I have to go through it, but in reality I wish I never have to.
Never.

So I have decided, perhaps this would be the best idea.
Maybe not for everyone, least for me.

----------------------------------------------------

It seemed to have to do with everyone, but it has nothing to do with anyone.
It seemed to matter more than anything, but it has no more impact than any other matter.
I can only pray that this decision to be made, will in no way upset the heart of God.

By My Side

No one else would ever do.
I got a stubborn heart for you.

------------------------------------------

I attribute his success to his ability to echo what most hearts yearn for.
Apart from his own experiences & journey, his talented voice easily wins hearts over.

Maybe in some way, our faith journey is like that.
The spillover; the overflow of God's fragrance in our lives that draws souls.
The authenticity of one's love for another.

No one else would ever do.

I think God is funny...

I am quite surprised at the reactions over the weekend. Is it really that unexpected for me to feel this way?

I am only human. I recognize my limits and I pray that I will acknowledge the same in others. Something about Sunday's message that I can't explain.

Yet it is funny how it showed me how much love there is around me.

--------------------------------

For sure I want to press on; I will press on.
Only but God enables me to. John 15:5.

Each turn of the road

It leads to a new discovery. Sudden reminder of the journey Frodo was on. The calling. The decision to take up the call. The formation of the fellowship. The unpredictable dangers of the enemy lurking around or the wrath of nature elements.

It reminds me of my calling for living on earth. It reminds me of why I have all that past unique experiences that only Marcus will have, and the future ones to come.

"A gift in every experience."

The line that has kept my head up and Faith in God who has every right and superior wisdom to place me where I am in this season. The journey thus far may have been cluttered with battle scars and wounds. Yet they only serve to remind me that I have emerged stronger in Faith; recognising the Almighty God in my lofe; and mistakes that myself or no one else should make again.

"With a pinch of salt."

Was a quote I knew only last night at Kyra. I choose to believe that He led me that so that He can sum up this week's work to me. A pinch of salt.

To be honest, I would want to throw in the towel at the first opportunity I see. But the fact that God's plan & timing matters most to me than how I feel, or how I would want things to be. There will be times I feel like I don't deserve all these nonsense and put-down's and shoutings, yet a small voice in me calls out to remind me that when Jesus was crucified, He too didn't deserve it. Yet He was obedient, even to the point of death.

"Enjoy the little things. Rule 32."

This seems a little trivial but it really made much difference to the journey thus far. The car rides. The times together alone. The constant mindfulness of the presence. It is all these that have made it possible for me to keep going.

"Recognizing my limits."

To recognize my limits, is to acknowledge that God is limit-less, there is no end or stopping of God. And when this happened this week, it caused me to really want to pause in life and consider my commitment. Till date, some people might conclude that it is better to say no. But I know that I will say yes, and by Faith leave it to Him to open the door and provide for me along the way. Isn't that the Faith mentality of the 5 loaves & 2 fish?

All in all, it has been 8 years 1 month 25 days. The Lord is Good & Faithful, and I can only pray that He uses someone so undeserving like me and in His love for me, to allow me to love others out of His love for me.

He died so that I may live.

To know & To remember

And the last time I remember staying up this late was to mug for exams! :S

I will keep reminding myself this. At age 25, it feels like the best part of life has yet to come. No doubt the stress(ors) of working life have begun to creep in, I am thankful for EHS especially in the past weeks of transition into my (first) job.

It (still) blows my mind to see how God planned EHS at such timing for me; how He placed doors along the way and kept them shut. Something about the doors that I have picked up. Faith, is the act of trying the door handle. If the door opens, go for it. If it stays closed, then let it be whether it's supposed to be that way or otherwise.

People grow up & take on more responsiblities. And I testify to that this afternoon. Strangely enough that it came during this period of my praying over commitments for 2013. The worship ministry. The YAY! Minstry. The Missions Ministry. And now something else comes along.

Thankful. Grateful. For all that I really don't deserve. Yet in the times my rationalization tries to tell me what to do, I pray that the Holy Spirit will convict me to do ONLY what pleases You.

ONLY what pleases You.
In knowing & remembering You.

Wait for the Lord

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~ Psalm 27:14

Things I really don't get it yet I feel like I'm in no position to bring it up to God.
Simple questions like "Why me?" or "Why all these?".

I suppose it's all in my heart's attitude.
If I were in this for the glory and fame, then I better step down this instance.

I am so wrong. SO wrong.
May God forgive me for my selfishness; for my ignorance.

Please bring Your goodness out of this.
Probably there isn't anything Man can do at this point anymore.

To know God is to know silence

Patience with God is Faith.

One of the most looked forward to weekends in the calendar year. Ignoring work calls and messages because I decide to reserve my time for Him. Never mind the storms to come cause God is my anchor and has planned these well ahead of time for me to go through.

I will praise You through the storms,
Be still and know that You are God.

Life (is about) Choices

We were created with a freewill; the ability to decide. This sets us apart from all other creation that He has made. We were designed to fellowship with God; to reign over all of His creation.

There was never a contradiction between God's sovereignty & our given freewill to choose. Like a toddler placed in a playpen; Like a sheep in a sheep pen. If we ever think that we deserve to be outside the pen, then we have not really thought it through.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts..." ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

I am thankful to remain in this pen. The fact that it may feel stifling at times to remain within the boundaries is God's way of protecting me. Many times we look out of the fence, we think the grass is greener on the other side. We forget that in God's Kingdom, God takes care of His sheep; His children. Even if the fields turn barren, the shepherd will find a way to feed his sheep.





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It has definitely been a great learning journey. Sure it came with pains and hurts, but it is emerging out of it that we find that God's grace has been sufficient for us to hang on. I pray for my brother, praying that he will never forget this point; this fact; this truth. I know so surely inside me that all of us, when we hit our walls, will have to choose.

To sit at the wall? To bounce off it and never try again? To think of ways to go around it? Or to go through it? Defining the word breakthrough is simple. Break - through. There is only so much Man can do. I will pray; wait; watch what God leads because I choose to believe in His timing, He will make things turn out good and beautiful to the glory of His Name.

My Sister's Keeper

Because there is just so much more to life, when we choose to embrace it by the Grace of God.

The Sower & The Seeds

Some blame the seeds. Some blame the sower. Others may push the blame to other factors.

But a note to myself, I pray that my heart will always be the good soil that multiplies.

The Desert Song

All of my life.
In every season, You are still God.
I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Hold on. Never let go. Choose to see it through Your eyes.

Going On

I can't explain what just happened to me.
Yet I know it may return.
Feels like an emotional infant again.
Yet I don't wish to suppress my emotions any longer.

I'm afraid I've allowed myself to run dry. That, is something I have to work on.

When I try prayer, feels like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling.
When I try worship, feels like I am just a hollow vessel making noise.
When I try stillness, feels like my mind has wandered off elsewhere.

Is this what they call the dark night? Cause I find it so familiar that I may have grown used to it. Or maybe I'm being stubborn. Haha. End of the day, I laugh at my own stupidity.

Stillness

Those precious moments of stillness.
The timely delivery of His word.
Things I will not take for granted.
Much needed in times like this.
When I lose sight of You,
I must come back. I must.

I (still) don't understand

Maybe I might never get it. All that reading. All that counsel.

One moment I rejoice that I finally made progress and the next I find myself slipping again.

I ponder over it for long periods of time. I try ways and means to get out of it. The frustration can sometimes threaten to me tip me over. I find myself empathizing with people who even tried taking their own lives; they would go beyond their limits just to fulfil that one desire. The cuts. The pills. The attempts. I even find myself coming to a point of contemplating extreme options.

I know well that I'm capable of doing really dumb stuff. This is me,the old me, would have probably done some seriously atrocious deed.

For sure, the storm brews on and it will only grow stronger and fiercer. It will threaten to destroy everything I have hoped for. But if I choose to give in and give up, what then is Faith?

I know I've been struggling within me to manage this. In some way, it's simply suppressing. I honestly don't think it is the perfect solution but hey, God isn't judging our coping mechanisms.

Truth be told, we all face our storms and we find some odd way to cope with it, mostly suppression being the easiest way out. Whatever it is, I've come to conclude that so long Jesus doesn't have my First Love, no one mechanism or even all of them combined is going to satisfy.

It sounds easy off the lips but trust me when I say I know how tough it can be. In fact, we can be sure that someone else will always have the tougher experience. End of the day, our Saviour who carried the burden for our sins had it worst.

Talk about betrayal; hatred; mockery; slander; hypocrisy; jealousy; repulsion; exclusion. He went through it all and who's to say He won't understand?

Come a few hours and it's that day of the year again. I'm not sure if it's good that I don't quite anything about it anymore, but if I resolved to give God my life my all, this is the path I will stick to.

Weighing the options in the coming months, I guess decisions have to be made. And I pray that I would really seek the wisdom of God to make them.

God has held nothing back so that in Christ Jesus, we might have everything.

He is Lord

Easy to say but I still got to try to keep to it. Temptation has been just so great, yet seems like I'm having this verse for 2013 for a reason. It always blows my mind whenever I consider His goodness in my life. If that is so, how can i ever doubt Him?

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More than always praying for you (and I still do). I thank Him knowing He's got your back; He's watching over you; and He will honour those who truly honour Him. I'm thankful there have been so much for me to learn along the way and I know that I am still work in progress.

I promised that I will take some time, and I know God will deal with me as He deems fit, and I am thankful for what He is doing. Scars are unsightly and comes with pain, yet I can thank God each time I look at them because they remind me of the lessons in life that others and myself can learn from.

Thus far, it has been better than I can ask for. No doubt I would want it differently, I choose to yield to what He has in store. Cause Faith isn't quite the same as Fantasy.

I smile as I tear, and I tear as I smile when I think back. I'm not sure if it is sorrow hidden within the joy, or joy hidden within the sorrow. Nevertheless, I take it as a process and I will go through it. A reason why God is allowing me to go through EHS this season.

On a sidenote, maybe 2013 won't be a time of Genesis for me. :S

Resolve(d).

If this is all I'll ever be, I'll still give my all to be who I can.

Regard less, regardless.

A little slumber, a little busyness.
All it takes to let slip of my true calling.
Need to constantly re-align myself.
Even if I have to do it day after day.

Every great ending has a humble beginning.
Every gigantic fig tree starts out being a tiny seed.

A New Beginning again

Come Monday I embark on this journey of discovery. Again. One that I actually missed doing. One that taught me beyond I could imagine. One that reinforced much needed foundations in my growing. One that showed me the definition of discipline. One that I believe, He has planned for me this season.

Cause in Him, there is a time for everything.

A dose of pain

Today I had my feet wet. 2 separate sessions of getting hollered at littered with verbal abuse. But I'm thankful, for learning to practise His presence for the past months.

It kept me calm; at peace; and more importantly objective. No doubt the immediate issue is dealt with, I am learning so much more as I process it.

Why are these dudes so angst? Why the need to abuse someone verbally? How likely will I leak in one way or another in my life? Who is going to suffer if I am not mindful?

Thanking You, cause there is a gift in everything. :)

All I can

Is to do my best to know you more.

Doesn't matter how it may be, as long as I know I tried, to my best.

And tonight I find myself, smack in the center of doing what I longed to do all these while, and I can only give thanks for the privilege and opportunity to do so.

#Reminder: every life is worthy, and capable of greatness.

Decision and Commitment

Tonight I took the step of Faith. I know maybe it's not the wisest choice but I have experienced the good out of it, and I will commit myself to it. To finish this is not about pride, not just about head knowledge. I will finish it because I want to know You better. Since things have unfolded this way, I am sure You have something planned for me. So I dedicate this season to You, to Your plans for me.

If I don't know you more, I can't love you more.
If I love you more, I want to know you more.

On another note, I am feeling so much of God's goodness and providence for 2013. I am still wondering the verse of the year for me. To live worthy of the Lord. I suppose the season of testing will come eventually. Meantime, enjoy and soak in His goodness, and keep close to Him.

Amen.

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Maybe you are right after all.

Into the Unknown

Detachments and Attachments.
To press on and move forward into the unknown; through the Wall. I know surely He has great things in store for those who stay faithful and remain true in their love for Him, He who loves much.

Wait. I will be a waiter.
Who am I is no longer as important as Whose am I.
There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned. 

L.O.V.E.

The biggest topic of the season. At least I thought it was so for me. Until I realize God meant it in a different manner. One that showed me the worst side of myself. One that reminded myself how badly I needed His Great love.

He had already spoke quite clearly once back then. I knew it but I guess I refused to accept it. The part of me that needs to be corrected; to cut off. So why this revelation? I still do not know, but I have come to accept that though I don't, I will trust and obey.

If it means to give up my dreams and desires. If it means to learn to get real with my fears and failures. If it means to find myself in a whole new environment.

To put it bluntly, God has been pretty nasty to me. Sorry I don't have a better description for it but yes, nasty. In almost every significant event/moment/season of my life, there is always that mark of failure. A scar that sticks with me till today, thanks to the superb long-term memory He gave me too. Yes I tend to remember things very well, and for a very long, long, long time.

I must say it has been an eventful 6 months. A season filled with much learning and experiencing. Fear and Failure have seem to find familiarity with me. Can I call myself a man of failures? Hmmm...I guess I'll learn that soon. But coming back to my point, yes the last 6 months I would sum up as amazingly good. After all, God who loves me is the same God who saved me =)

It's such irony that I distaste the fact that He put me through all that failures and seasons of valley yet I find stuff to be thankful for. Stuff that some might never understand in their entire living. I guess that's just me. That's just how God meant for me to be.

So Lord please keep my heart tender, regardless of how much more 'crap' I have to go through. Because I see Your hand in every situation and Your provision and providence always comes through. Because I am better owing to the fact that You meant it all good for those You love.
Because I don't want to miss out on what You are doing in and through my life.

When God says yes, He is increasing my faith.
When God says no, He has something better.
When God says wait, He is increasing my patience. 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

Just another (sun)day

Things to really ponder over. Over the last 48hours. The fact that I overthink doesn't help...

The cell dinner.
The timely sermon preached today.
The horrific sight at the coffeeshop.
The 40family briefing.
The soccer game.
The badminton session.

It is good to really be still and wait upon Him. Cause it is in the stillness where we hear Him.

Amazement

It all balances up.
The more undeserving I am,
The more it magnifies Your love.

The more You are providing,
The more I can testify of Your grace.

The more You show up in my life,
The more I see Your faithfulness.

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The best person to share about You,
is the one who has experienced you.
The prodigal son; The first and the last;
The rich young ruler; The sowing of seeds;
The camel and the needle eye;
The buried pearl and treasure;
The shrewd manager;
The ungrateful servant;
The unfaithful keeper;
The good samaritan;
The foundation of the house...

Own their own, an element seems to make only so much logic.
Put them together, I see deeper than that.

A privilege God has given.

Lord I am amazed by You,
And I choose to live daily in Your grace.
The good and the bad times.
Always.

My definition of history

Probably "those forgiven much, loves much" applies to me. As my past resurfaces in my mind, it doesn't just come back as a passing thought. It stays and the impression grows stronger and stronger.

Like I said, the kind of history that I have accumulated. Most people may never kmow in my lifetime. It sometimes come to a point that I wonder if Christ dying on the cross for me can really redeem me.

Things that if you knew, you'd never see me the same way again. AGAIN. That's just who I am. That's just how much I view the Love from God for me. I can't change what has already happened and shaped me, but I suppose the next step is my part to play to ask Him to change me.

Battlefield

As I have anticipated, it gets worse.
Times I would think it's better and other times I just get really affected.
I don't have a solution and I hope I'm not putting up a false front.
Yet i know I can't afford to reveal what really is going in in me.

Thia is what I think is unhealthy emotional condition.

On another note: i think my calling is getting clearer. Getting what I don't deserve. Never forget that.

Don't have to understand to trust

Some things are better explained.
Yet some are better left unsaid.

In the things I can change, be bold to.
In the things I can't, be at rest.

A life worth living is a life worth of the Lord. It is a whole hearted pursuit of Him regardless the joys and pains; the UPs and DOWNs. I pray that I'll stick on in this race.

Success is defined as being faithful to Your purpose.

Alignment

Tried denying this but hey, He's always gonna win right?

So aligning my heart to His heart in 2013. The work has already begun. Certain plans have come to mind and I can only say, wait on Him to reveal. Till then, I choose to believe the FIRE will come. A fire that will never go out.

As HillsongConf2013 puts it aptly, Revival.

Shroud of Darkness

Because caring is not the same as loving. Things I can't comprehend.

So how different are we? Things I can't comprehend.

I thought that I would really be fine thereafter. Things I can't comprehend.

A cell that seemed so different yet never as this close to my heart. Things I can't comprehend.

The ever increasing amount of resistance in the spiritual realm. Things I can't comprehend.

The situations I have to face in life. Things I can't comprehend.

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It has been a heavy dosage of UPs and DOWNs in just the past week. To tell someone to always thank Him in every circumstance seemed far too easy. To tell someone to never bear life's burden alone seemed far too easy. To tell someone that they are never alone seemed far too easy.

A part of me reminds me that all the heavy-batterings are signs of an unseen warfare escalating and God is doing a work greater than I can imagine. Another part of me feels otherwise. It wants to give in. It wants to run away. It refuses to believe all that God has in store.

I consider myself a joke, a hypocrite. In the very things I can say to encourage someone else, I shrug it off immediately when it happens to myself. I think I'm getting emotional as I pen this down. I better stop here. May or not be finish this off.

Right now, my mind feels like a tomato tossed into a blender going at maximum power. 
You should have thought it through when you made that choice, dummy.

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I choose to trust You, though I may not understand.

Togetherness

Because it is a good reminder.
Maybe I've seem to get ahead of myself.

To learn more about myself; to learn to love myself more is the first step to loving others and loving God. It'd have sounded wrong to me had I not gone into EHS. EHS has been like a calibration instrument, slowly but surely correcting much of my perceived thinkings that were keeping me back from going deeper with God.

Probably many ministries out there in SG are focused much on soul-winning programs and strategies, which are definitely God's heartbeat. But in this season, I thank God for this season in EHS. Because I believe with all my heart, that God will use WRPF/YAY! all to His glory as we get in touch with a side of us that we have cast aside for too long.

And I begin a journey of knowing more about myself. The good and nice parts. The terrible and disgusting parts. The proudest and shameful experiences. God doesn't just want the goody side I'm sure. He wants them all. And for me to be where I am, is all along a testimony of His grace. So yes, there shouldn't be a single worry for the future cause in the first place, I shouldn't have be here without the grace and love and mercy of my Lord Jesus Christ.

God has used wrpf to love me to where I am today. And now God wants me to love wrpf to where He wants it to be. To love my church to a greater church :)

New

A gift in every experience. Pure blessing.

A new experience, part of a greater experience. In my short time on earth, He is working in me to prepare me for an eternity of fellowship :)

How to deal with it

I honestly do not know.

EHS couldn't have come at a more perfect timing. I'm fearful that EHS might just uncover a side of me that perhaps I never want to see again, or bringing back the emotions that I once thought would be good to lay deep down somewhere inside of me.

EHS has been piercing me through and through with every statement and truth read. It is as though it was written for me to the point that I now question my First Love all these while.

I guess there are 2 choices ahead of me: Run from Him or Run to Him.

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

I'm grateful for this EHS, just as I am for the other courses and teachings along the way.

I realized that in the beginning years of my spiritual journey, I was on a dependent mode. From sermons to bible studies to teachings to workshops, it was eating off the plates of others who are before me and thank God for their willingness to impart their gems of wisdom with me.

Beneath all the layers of ministry and service, I must say it was the willingness of one Godly man who stuck by me, who chose to give me what i needed to hear rather than what i wanted to hear, and being faithful to meet, follow up and pray with me.

Then few years later, it became evident that I needed to move from dependency to self-feeding as I struggled to keep the flames burning in me.

Each season has brought itself spiritual giants into my life, giants right from the leader of the church himself to even the people who may seem to be just serving in the background. But it was through all the experiences that have molded me and shaped me into who I am today, and I must never forget the love and patience of these people whom God has brought into my life.

Now in the season of EHS, God spoke right into the opening session of dealing with my emotional health. And interestingly, He was already preparing me since earlier in the day. Furthermore, His knowing of what I struggle within has made this EHS all the more timely, as though it was meant for me.

So as I open myself up to vulnerability and learning to be true to God about my emotions, I pray that a healing process has already begun.

Col 1:9-12

Prayer: 
continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives

A heart's desire:
1. Live a life worthy of the Lord
2. Please him in every way

4 parts to please Him:
a. bearing fruit in every good work
b. growing in the knowledge of God
c. being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience
d. giving joyful thanks to the Father

Finally
who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.

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 During the trip, a quick encounter with Him made all the difference. 
My heart's desire and His heart's desire.
That just summed up everything so clearly for me.
So I entered into 2013 with a grateful heart, testify to a year of God's grace and goodness in 2012, and look forward to 2013 with hope and full of faith that the Lord has yet to finish His work in me.