Somehow, every occurrence and event is only a part of Your greater plan.
You know too well how I feel inside me, and I'm glad You do even without me telling You.
In a way, I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do much to change the situation. Yet, I'm learning from the journey of not being in control, and watching You come through. Frankly, I wouldn't hesitate a single bit if You were to call me out this instant. But I suppose it doesn't always happen the way I envision it to be.
Another sign I picked up today: Emotional distance. The last 3 weeks really isn't the best season for me. A topic that some probably feel that it is His timing for this season. Perhaps? I don't know if that applies to myself. Not anymore. If there is 1 thing that I picked up about pleasing Him, it is the fact that my heart's desire must firstly be God Himself & not necessarily the girl of my life whom I think I desire. To stop living a false illusion that there is a girl of my heart's desire out there waiting. He didn't exactly promise that right?
Calling the grapes sour or choosing to avoid. I feel like I have been doing all I can. I can't say I have surrendered it, but I choose to lay it down. It is wearing me and getting to me. It isn't healthy, and something has to be done about it. I guess I'm just too stubborn to seek help about this, I'll just manage along.
On a side note, maybe He is more interested in another facade of my life currently. It seemed like in the past weeks He has been reminding me, and it seems to have become clearer now. No doubt about it, Ps Benny has done a marvelous job presenting the issue of a typical modern BGR concept in the local church context, yet the sorely-lacking education of God-centeredness is resounding in me. The fact that a God-honouring relationship ought to show signs of spiritual growth and maturity between the two willing boy & girl coming together.
It is pretty darn obvious that it is getting to me. I fear it'll get worse and consume me. Doesn't help the fact that time isn't exactly on my side & I feel like I've not been coming back to my Source. I'm glad for the coming 2 weekend breaks. Maybe some time by myself will do me good. Just You & me, away to a far place where no one will find us.
I know I'm not quite the goody guy, but I pray that least I give my best. There is just so much ahead for me to work on, and I should be thankful that God is giving me the grace & time & space to uncover slowly each aspect of my life that needs to be surrendered to Him.
"So that You may live a life worthy of the Lord..."
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