Because You never left. I wanted to walk away. And You call me back, slowly but surely. By and in Your grace, I failed to trust in You despite all that I went through with you before. Yet You never count it on my failure to pour on me Your goodness.
What a wretched sinner I was. No longer I am but I was. I have been dumb. Silly. Ignorant. Stubborn. Reluctant. Dejected.
Maybe a part of me still lingers the stench of self-centredness.
Tonight of all days and nights, You chose to show up today. That milo/barley talk at Kopitiam. That kueh/tehC talk over the glass table. That going for a conference that I saw it pointless given my decision to step down from worship pretty soon enough.
To say that I understood You would be a lie. To say that I understand You now would also be a lie
Seated in that ordinary auditorium, the natural me questioned if any good would come out of the conference. People were trickling in even the start time was running late. Registration was a mess & the entire compound still reeked from the fresh coats of paintwork and brand nee furnishings.
I have been to umpteen conferences & workshops and i grew confident that this would be one of the experiences went through, and sealed in the storage space somewhere in the unconscious back of my mind.
Opening part was mediocre. The emcees were pretty informal & entertaining. But that was pretty much it, I told myself.
And when we came to the segment after a time of exhortation, it was about to change just about everything. The lead worship leader & speaker (Neil) shared on vulnerability. Things just ramped up from there.
Maybe it was the use of music and play of atmosphere. Maybe it was the motivational words. Yet all these were thrown out of the window from the start by the same speaker.
As I struggled within me on surrendering my fig leaves, I eventually let it go. Following the call to act upon letting go, I jotted down what I wanted to surrender to You.
I think tonight, I finally did. And really did. You amazed me when You decide to answer my prayer request only after the service ended; after people started leaving. And right there, You showed up. You used people I never would imagined to minister to me. You showed me how much a Beloved means to You.
Maybe decisions made won't be changed. But I know from here on, I have the freedom to choose; to decide. I had to be broken in order to be built up. The enlargement of my soul is more than a one liner read in a book picked up.
The journey ahead is full of bumps. I am lying if I said I'm confident of handling what is to come; what lies ahead. Times that I feel I'm all alone up against Goliath, help me forget not that You are right HERE beside me.
Grace, grace. More of Your grace to carry me through to complete what You have set me upon.
The Divine Set Up. You the Director, the Producer, the Lead Actor. Take it from here, I'm ready.
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