I (still) don't understand

Maybe I might never get it. All that reading. All that counsel.

One moment I rejoice that I finally made progress and the next I find myself slipping again.

I ponder over it for long periods of time. I try ways and means to get out of it. The frustration can sometimes threaten to me tip me over. I find myself empathizing with people who even tried taking their own lives; they would go beyond their limits just to fulfil that one desire. The cuts. The pills. The attempts. I even find myself coming to a point of contemplating extreme options.

I know well that I'm capable of doing really dumb stuff. This is me,the old me, would have probably done some seriously atrocious deed.

For sure, the storm brews on and it will only grow stronger and fiercer. It will threaten to destroy everything I have hoped for. But if I choose to give in and give up, what then is Faith?

I know I've been struggling within me to manage this. In some way, it's simply suppressing. I honestly don't think it is the perfect solution but hey, God isn't judging our coping mechanisms.

Truth be told, we all face our storms and we find some odd way to cope with it, mostly suppression being the easiest way out. Whatever it is, I've come to conclude that so long Jesus doesn't have my First Love, no one mechanism or even all of them combined is going to satisfy.

It sounds easy off the lips but trust me when I say I know how tough it can be. In fact, we can be sure that someone else will always have the tougher experience. End of the day, our Saviour who carried the burden for our sins had it worst.

Talk about betrayal; hatred; mockery; slander; hypocrisy; jealousy; repulsion; exclusion. He went through it all and who's to say He won't understand?

Come a few hours and it's that day of the year again. I'm not sure if it's good that I don't quite anything about it anymore, but if I resolved to give God my life my all, this is the path I will stick to.

Weighing the options in the coming months, I guess decisions have to be made. And I pray that I would really seek the wisdom of God to make them.

God has held nothing back so that in Christ Jesus, we might have everything.

Faith...Once again

I look forward to the end of 2012 yet at the same time, I sense fear inside of me.

Fear of the unknown thereafter;
Fear of how things will be like in this last quarter;
Fear of how things will unfold for YAY! Camp.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. ~ Heb. 11:6

I gather that I must first choose to move on and charge into this unknown in Faith, by Faith. Sure it could be just another career like everyone else, or perhaps something else the Lord has prepared. Either way, it is a journey into the unknown and I can only pray that I look back at His faithfulness, give thanks for His grace and mercy and keep moving forward under His guidance.

Be it a 500-megaton nuclear missile or a hiker trekking across the Himalayan Mountains, one thing for sure. They all know where they're heading for, whether by choice or by input of another. I suppose the same goes for me. It is really not so much about planning or charting the path ahead, rather to download the coordinates from the Divine One, simply for the verse Jerm. 29:11.

From schoolwork to YAY! Camp to Worship Ministry to Cell. It can often threaten to break me down.
It has been a bumpy ride in the last couple of weeks. With all the storms threatening to overturn the boat, I'm glad to be reminded. The Lord of all is onboard the very same boat I am in.

Going through the worship ministry's calendar and schedule was really a challenge from the Lord as I responded to Him on the journey home today. Was reading Steven Furtick's Sun Stand Still and felt the challenge of the Lord so strongly. Ask AUDACIOUSLY IN FAITH. If my vision in life does not intimidate me, it is probably an insult to God. I wished there'll be a solution to the issues going around. Maybe God isn't as concerned in the problem being resolved. Maybe there is something He wants to say here.

So in the evening I received and opened the worship ministry update via email. And first up was the worship duties that couldn't have been allocated on a better date, the very period of my papers. As I synchronized the various dates and events, I can only say "woah".

And to have Faith facing the coming onslaught of 'doing'.  Plus it doesn't help when there are still to-do's for the camp and my ministry head already placing much expectations on this event. I have been told umpteen times to distribute the work; always being mindful what God is doing/saying. In practice, it is really tough finding that someone who is willing. Decided to trust God to provide whichever area we're lacking. That's how this camp is going to be.

A camp that will be like none before and none after, a camp that uniquely serves God's agenda for this season. A chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation. God's SPECIAL POSSESSION.

What is next?

Serving God has never been such faith-raising. I remember how comfortable it was whenever I needed cash for a mission trip or getting some big-ticket item, God always provided from within my home: the Father Fund.

It was really easy and I saw that as His means of providing especially when my dad refuses to accept God in a nice way. It was only last year that I resolved to moving in faith.

So last December for my mission trip to Myanmar, a group of loving brothers and sisters chipped in for my trip though I really really never expected it for my birthday! It was the beginning of something new for me, to learn to operate in complete faith and comprehend just how much love that is around me!

Finance is definitely a big issue in serving God but perhaps, He knows it so well that He assures us of His providence as well as not to serve money but God himself only. Money is only a means of glorifying Him.

So this year, having to scrimp and save for church camp and my upcoming Australia trip to Hillsong/Sisterhood has been a journey on the line of Faith. Seeing how God always came through for me only reminded all the more that I will never be able to outgive Him.

After all, I did pray to God to give me no more or less to what I need, that i may never forget Him in the process. Going by Faith has made me realize so much more life to come and I am only beginning to appreciate and understand how things work and go around me.

And before me, I know there'll be issues and matters way bigger than myself, things that only the sovereignty of God can bring to pass. And the pleasing response to Him is to upkeep a devoted heart to Him regardless and offer ALL of myself to Him, for Him.

Sowing the Seed

God, tonight I have done my part in initiating and taking the first step.

I do not know how the coming sessions will turn out, I don't know eventually it will work.

But 1 thing I know, is to go by Faith and Trusting You.
Lord, simply because You love so much more than I do.

Father there is no conditions to Your love and I pray that I may love through Your love.
God this is Your work and I want to do things Your way.
Lastly, I pray that I'll learn much too in the process of this mentoring.

God I pray not for the perfect partner, but that You transform me to be the ideal one.
Because with You, ALL things are possible.

To Love like You Love Me.

Amen.

~ God You keep reminding me of going by faith this day. Then help me Lord and while others fear stepping out into a new opportunity, the winner (in You) fears missing out on it.

You Deserve

I just can't explain...

Things that happened beyond comprehension...
Prayers prayed that spoke right to someone's heart...
Needs felt that were met abundantly by God...

Despite the numerous proof of God's goodness and faithfulness,
yet I find myself still being uncertain and having that tinge of doubt.

Still learning more about myself...
I guess I am really afraid to try, or maybe more so afraid to fail.
Perhaps that's why...

To point everyone in the wrong direction is simply walking away in the opposite direction.

A blameless Life?

"Only conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or remain absent, I will hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one ^[v]mind striving together for the faith of the gospel..."

Phil. 1:27 NASB.


One of the verse that was shared tonight by UFS. A grim yet timely reminder to live a lifestyle worthy and pleasing to God. This of course isn't going back to living under the law and trying to satisfy it, but rather to live a life knowing Christ and the grace freely given by Himself so that we may pursue a life in obedience and holiness.


Paul was imprisoned when he wrote this letter. For? For the sake of the gospel of Christ that he stood for, he chose to honor God. He chose only because he believed in the gospel. He believed because he heard. 


To know -> to believe -> to love -> to obey


And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Phil. 1:9-11 NASB


Here Paul's encouragement to the Philippi Church was to remain sincere and blameless and seek God to be filled with the fruit of righteousness. And to be sincere and blameless required the Philippians to be able to approve the things that pleases God. And that was achieved through growing in real knowledge and having the wisdom of discernment.


And tonight's sharing on waiting with anticipation was just apt. It definitely was speaking to me, and I will hold onto the Lord as I wait upon Him. Against everything the world claims, I will hold onto Him and seek His Will for me. Because in all and for all things, it is to the glory of God. =)

Decisions and decisions

Of late I've been increasingly challenged to make decisions.
Yet most of the times, I chose to defer the decision probably out of fear.

Then again, it can get really confusing for me!
Godly counsel will tell me to put my faith in God, hear from Him and act upon it.

Well I would think that there is an aspect of fear to that.
Somehow faith and fear are inseparable.
Questions like "What if I heard God wrongly?" or "What if that wasn't God speaking?"

Maybe it is just the inside of me longing to rant but I guess there's what a blog is for right?
Beats screaming into the ears of someone innocent, I think I rather pen them down.

I guess the more important the decision is, the more fear it is associated with.
I mean if the ice cream store isn't open when you get there, it doesn't disappoint you as much since 7-11s are like everywhere.
But some decisions are just not the same.
They have consequences. They have impacts.

I can only pray that I muster enough faith to believe.
God You make the impossible, possible.

Is that Your voice I'm hearing?

Today's sermon was on Missing Piece.and Dr Huan preached on 3 points:
1. Personal response towards God's purpose by acknowledging Him when He speaks.
To surrender oneself to Him wholly and to undergo spiritual training.
2. Choose to work towards God's plans. In response, making a renewed choice.
To turn back and to reform from my wicked ways.
3. Fitted for God's plans and in response, give 100% devotion to God in Faith.

As we went through worship today, I prayed for God to convict me.
To convict me of the things I ain't letting go in my life.
To convict me to see what God is doing in our midst now.
The downpour(of the Holy Spirit) is coming!

And as I processed the sermon, I'm really amazed that the things I pondered during Worship,
God spoke of them through Dr Huan during the sermon!

Greater things are yet to come, Lord Jesus I'm believing You for it! Amen!

Face(less)book

As I begin my 40-day fast journey with the many other like-minded Christians in Singapore, this year is especially a meaningful one for me personally as I fast and pray for the YAY (Young Adults and Youth) Ministry and myself.

Several key emphasis would be:
- My career/calling in life since I'm a step away from graduation
- My relationship life since I've been *abstaining* from it as I really want to enter into one that God calls me
- My devotion to Jesus since all along I think I'm still not 100% surrendered
- The YAY Ministry to see the "DOWNPOUR" that God has hinted to us

Fasting from:
-Facebook for the next 40days hence I probably will expect a lot of blasting from people as to why I'm not responding
- 7am-7pm food fast at least once a week

I must be wary that fasting isn't about me trying to keep to it because I have to but that I fast because I want to devote myself to praying and interceding and be sensitive to God's voice. Someone wise told me that I'm very poor in relationship handling and a long time ago, another told me that I should learn to be more diplomatic in handling people.

I thank God for people willing to point out my hindsights to me (they are called blindspots for a reason). At the same time, I attribute my present self as a result of growing up in a home that showed no expressions of love but only anger and dissatisfaction. I can only pray that I will not carry this into my own future family and be mindful of the mistakes that I've gone through previously. I know only God can give me the grace to see me through.

This year is interestingly a time for me to grow in specific areas of my life and I'm praying/watching for it. Lord, please don't pass me by. I want to grow in You and love You more. Help me.

Need You More and More

Faith

Thanks for being faithful despite my faithlessness.

Always been an encounter with you, never fails to surprise me.

Now I lay my hopes all behind me,

Because it seems that hope leads to disappointments.

Not that it is from Your word at all,

Just what I am feeling this season.

Stretch me, pull me, as far as You can,

I hope I'll never snap because you know my limits.

And I guess I'm coming to the end of the road,

Just shows how much I can do without You.

It's all wrong, I know.

I hope I'm wrong.

Yes.

Coming back to the heart of Worship

Met up with a sister-in-Christ today.

Had a good catch up then I decided to bring up the issue of faith because I felt a leading.

I'm glad I brought it up to open sharing.

Praying that God draws her back again.

Serve God, not Money

Just had a momentary thought...

Am I serving too much? Should I devote my time to studying instead?

Been having so many people coming to tell me that I'm serving too much,

does that mean I should serve less...

And I noticed that I've been giving up very much of my time to Church. Not God but Church.

Time to the cells. Time to the worship team. Time to the meetings.

Should I just focus on my studies this season instead?

Talking about these two points above are my heartfelt thoughts this season.

Cell people are just not into God nor His Kingdom...

Despite how hard I try to pursue them, it feels fruitless.

And perhaps if I give my time to studying instead, I can glorify Him with my grades right...

Isn't that what most people around have in mind?

Reconciliation between members-in-Christ seems impossible...

Pastor preached the message of God being First Love,

that in Christ we ought to live in love for one another...

Somehow I cannot bring myself to agree...

I've given up on that long ago...

These past months, I've interacted and seen a lot bunch of my peers and YA

having other plans...

Some already have made the move...Some already have the plan to move...

Some still considering the move...Some not longer in the Faith even...

The rest? I'm not sure how many will remain...

God, I'm at a loss...I don't know what I'm doing or what You're doing...

Is it really all worth when You come back again...

Unexpected

It was unexpected. He had other plans.

I had such little faith.

Thanks.

=)

Chinese New Year and Faith

It was just another Chinese New Year.

It was the same process, same rituals all over again.

Things are just getting worse as the days go by.

Personally, time is just never enough.

God.

Church.

Ministry.

Cell.

Family.

Friends.

Studies.

All of them fighting for that 24 hours I have in a day (not to mention my sleep!)...

A friend advised me to find rest in Him, intentionally seek time out with God.

And that I realized, is something I have not been doing for a very very long time...

That personal time with Jesus.

I am not ashamed to blog about it, neither am I proud to say I am slacking...

But it reminds me, how we are living our faith by Grace and not the try to live righteously...

Leading on from here, I never knew about Pastor RT's case until the news reached my ears...

Did a little read up earlier. It is very very saddening.

Pastor RT: I am not sure what you have shared but I know our standards are not of this world. Neither shall we be judged by the standards of this world which does not know the greatness of the Lord God whom we worship.

Be it a pastor who has made a mistake over the pulpit or in their personal lives or in one way or another. Let us (Christians and fellow believers in the Lord Jesus Christ) reflect upon this case-in-point.

-Who are we to judge?

No doubt we can see that it is wrong...

but what does the Bible say? What would Jesus do?

I will not attempt to give you an answer and I believe if you go into the Word, you will find the answer.

And yes, to all of you out there who do not yet know Jesus.

HE who hung and died on the Cross, loves you.

How much? When you realize how much He loves you, nothing else matters!

And yes, if you have to experience Him, the post above will not apply to you as it is my heartfelt thoughts to my fellow believers.

Yet, you are always welcomed to know Jesus! =)

Xin Nian Kuai Le!

Grace upon Grace

A child-like faith in the everliving One, call upon His Name and He will answer.

Draw near to Him and He will draw nearer.

Those who seek Him with all their hearts will find Him.

Jesus! Jesus! Crazy for Jesus!

Love never fails

1 Cor 13 sprang up in my mind today as I sat back and reflected on the past 12 hours...

Running around; Being distracted; Inability to focus...

I was in church but that only in the physical realm...

I feel so out of place, this familiar feeling is back to haunt me...

Now I think about what can possibly happen, even in the near future...

I really dun wish for things to turn out like that...

But it seems to me that I'm living my faith only on the outside...

My ears and eyes feels like they have been shut tight...

I can almost look into the future and see myself crumbling someday...

Because I'm around all this time, but only physically...

Deep inside of me, I'm nothing but an empty shell...

Void of feelings and deprived of that sensitivity that I once knew...

It can only be the Holy Spirit;

He is my only solution and only way;

He who knows the Father truly and His plans;

To bring and lead me through this season

Rain down on me O Lord, Rain down

1 Cor. 13:10 - But when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

By Faith

What a simple yet important truth! FAITH!

2 more days and I should not worry, have the faith that my God will bring me through this season!

Met up with Pastor Edmund for dinner today. Wasn't sure of what to expect but God's awesome!

Him and his wife has been such a blessing to me recently and I feel the passion to serve God wholeheartedly!

I'm unsure but I am sure that God will lead me =D

All for Him I live! Only for Him I live!

Healing

Knee op's this friday.

Too soon? I thought so.

Just right? I prayed for.

Too late? God is never.

Oh well, am going under the knife in 3days' time so I'll be MIA for quite a while.

So for those of you who care, do keep me in prayer against complications...

I don't know how I'll be after Friday so yeah...

Anyway some details for you:

Friday will be the operation and I will be staying 1 night in NUH.

Discharging on Saturday morning.