So before I rant, I must confess...
That there are and there were moments I really feel inadequate...
That I don't understand how I agreed to in the first place...
That I really needed a hole deep enough to put my head in and never face the world...
and also,
That there are things and concepts I don't understand and I need help...
That I am only but Marcus and to admit defeat is giving in to the lies of the Evil One...
That I am not someone else I hope to be and Christ still loves me...
That in my weaknesses, Christ is truly glorified as He delivers me...
That God's plan for my life is learning through failures, through pains...
That I am who I am today because He planned to shape me His way...
That it's been the longest time I remembered coming down on my knees again...
Growing up wears me out.
Sometimes I wonder if I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole...
The sensations today just left that bad taste lingering for the most of the day...
On one hand, I just know in my head that it's about my perspective and attitude...
How I choose to see this experience would determine whether I truly learned something,
or simply taking it negatively and feeling defeated.
Thing is, I still can't get over today.
I claim to know, but I don't think I am convinced.
Giving up would be so much easier for me, to leave it behind and not burdened by it.
Definitely something I would give the world to avoid doing if I could...
Wouldn't that be all to simple?
Is it the right question to ask myself? "Why do I suck at it?"
Or I should be asking myself "How can I do better for the next attempt?"
Trust me when I say it's easier than done. I've been through this umpteen times myself.
But I really want us to know this when we feel down and defeated, ask the right question.
We do really badly in a test and asked "Is this really for me?"
Perhaps we should ask "Where have I gone wrong?"
We got rejected in a proposal and asked "Why doesn't God grant me my desire?"
Perhaps we should ask "God, then what do You have in store for me?"
We gave our best and yet failed to meet the mark and asked "Why God? Why me?"
Perhaps we should ask "God, what are You teaching me?"
I tell you God knows our every thought and need, why?
Just as I write this entry, this devotion came in through my email:
Handling Criticism the Right Way
When it comes to handling criticism the right way you must:
(1)
Demonstrate emotional and spiritual maturity. Exhaustion can affect the way
you act when you're under pressure. Elijah slipped into depression because of
it. Queen Jezebel hounded him relentlessly. Her opposition sapped his strength
and caused him to say, '...It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life...' (1
Kings 19:4 KJV) Satan will take advantage of your weariness. When you're
fatigued you can become overly sensitive and miss the opportunity for growth
that comes with the criticism.
(2) Realise that good people get criticised.
Jesus was called a glutton (Matthew 11:19); a drinker (Luke 7:34); a friend of
disreputable characters (Matthew 11:19). People whose opinions are set and
whose thinking is off won't understand behaviour based on obedience to God. So
when your ideas and values clash with theirs, try to be gracious.
(3) Always
keep a good attitude. Your own attitude can be more detrimental to you than
somebody else's. You know what they say: 'A chip on your shoulder usually
indicates wood higher up.' Peter writes: 'You have been called for this
purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to
follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His
mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering,
He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to [God] who judges
righteously.' (1 Peter 2:21-23 NKJV)
Give it to God, and press on!
And hence I say, God really is right here. I know it's gonna take some time for me to sort my thoughts out but He allowed this devotion to be sent in just at the time I needed these words most...To know I have a higher Calling. Suppose this is how I can then see God's Grace for me and to realize how much I need to lean on His wisdom and understanding.
Much to process from the whole of today, being out for a good 15 hours is tiring.
And I have to say I never expected to discover the other side of people around, discoveries that I would never in my wildest imagination would expect. But it is definitely something I thank God for, for me to learn from...for me to understand you better...To appreciate the circumstances of our lives...
In the same light, I wonder how my friends would respond if they saw another side of me...Probably the other side of me you'd never imagined...Probably a side of me that once you discover, it blows your mind away...
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God I pray You put that fire of passion back in me again. I pray for understanding to acknowledge Your unique plans for my life and that remember the tongue holds the power of life and death. I ask of Your liberation of my mind, of these mental struggles within me. Lord I feel really inadequate after all that has happened, but I choose to put my faith in You that You will deliver me. Amen.
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When I don't speak to you, it doesn't imply that I don't desire to. Maybe I just don't know how to.
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