Passion & Compassion

It sums it all. This season of waiting upon You.
Somehow, every occurrence and event is only a part of Your greater plan.

Perhaps this is a confirmation; a sign from You for me to move in 2013.
You know too well how I feel inside me, and I'm glad You do even without me telling You.

In a way, I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do much to change the situation. Yet, I'm learning from the journey of not being in control, and watching You come through. Frankly, I wouldn't hesitate a single bit if You were to call me out this instant. But I suppose it doesn't always happen the way I envision it to be.

Another sign I picked up today: Emotional distance. The last 3 weeks really isn't the best season for me. A topic that some probably feel that it is His timing for this season. Perhaps? I don't know if that applies to myself. Not anymore. If there is 1 thing that I picked up about pleasing Him, it is the fact that my heart's desire must firstly be God Himself & not necessarily the girl of my life whom I think I desire. To stop living a false illusion that there is a girl of my heart's desire out there waiting. He didn't exactly promise that right?

Calling the grapes sour or choosing to avoid. I feel like I have been doing all I can. I can't say I have surrendered it, but I choose to lay it down. It is wearing me and getting to me. It isn't healthy, and something has to be done about it. I guess I'm just too stubborn to seek help about this, I'll just manage along.

On a side note, maybe He is more interested in another facade of my life currently. It seemed like in the past weeks He has been reminding me, and it seems to have become clearer now. No doubt about it, Ps Benny has done a marvelous job presenting the issue of a typical modern BGR concept in the local church context, yet the sorely-lacking education of God-centeredness is resounding in me. The fact that a God-honouring relationship ought to show signs of spiritual growth and maturity between the two willing boy & girl coming together.

It is pretty darn obvious that it is getting to me. I fear it'll get worse and consume me. Doesn't help the fact that time isn't exactly on my side & I feel like I've not been coming back to my Source. I'm glad for the coming 2 weekend breaks. Maybe some time by myself will do me good. Just You & me, away to a far place where no one will find us.

I know I'm not quite the goody guy, but I pray that least I give my best. There is just so much ahead for me to work on, and I should be thankful that God is giving me the grace & time & space to uncover slowly each aspect of my life that needs to be surrendered to Him.

"So that You may live a life worthy of the Lord..."

Grate-full

Perhaps it is a reminder to be thankful.

Not the way I imagined it to be, but surely He has His kreative ways.

Note to self: salt & light of the world. And that means first to be in the midst of the darkness, cause that's where the smallest flame shines the brightest.

The Lucky Guy

A call to surrender. Everything.

A Change that remains unchanged

"But first you must risk it before God in prayer."

I guess I still refuse to let it go, and hold on to it even stronger.
Like a stubborn little brat who refuses to move away from the aisle of toys in the department store,
I guess the only coping mechanism at this point is putting myself at a distance.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Hard as I try, the hurt is still seemingly buried somewhere deep down.
And it surfaces every now and then, I can only suppress it the best I can.
I tell myself perhaps it is a journey I have to go through it, but in reality I wish I never have to.
Never.

So I have decided, perhaps this would be the best idea.
Maybe not for everyone, least for me.

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It seemed to have to do with everyone, but it has nothing to do with anyone.
It seemed to matter more than anything, but it has no more impact than any other matter.
I can only pray that this decision to be made, will in no way upset the heart of God.

By My Side

No one else would ever do.
I got a stubborn heart for you.

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I attribute his success to his ability to echo what most hearts yearn for.
Apart from his own experiences & journey, his talented voice easily wins hearts over.

Maybe in some way, our faith journey is like that.
The spillover; the overflow of God's fragrance in our lives that draws souls.
The authenticity of one's love for another.

No one else would ever do.

I think God is funny...

I am quite surprised at the reactions over the weekend. Is it really that unexpected for me to feel this way?

I am only human. I recognize my limits and I pray that I will acknowledge the same in others. Something about Sunday's message that I can't explain.

Yet it is funny how it showed me how much love there is around me.

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For sure I want to press on; I will press on.
Only but God enables me to. John 15:5.

Each turn of the road

It leads to a new discovery. Sudden reminder of the journey Frodo was on. The calling. The decision to take up the call. The formation of the fellowship. The unpredictable dangers of the enemy lurking around or the wrath of nature elements.

It reminds me of my calling for living on earth. It reminds me of why I have all that past unique experiences that only Marcus will have, and the future ones to come.

"A gift in every experience."

The line that has kept my head up and Faith in God who has every right and superior wisdom to place me where I am in this season. The journey thus far may have been cluttered with battle scars and wounds. Yet they only serve to remind me that I have emerged stronger in Faith; recognising the Almighty God in my lofe; and mistakes that myself or no one else should make again.

"With a pinch of salt."

Was a quote I knew only last night at Kyra. I choose to believe that He led me that so that He can sum up this week's work to me. A pinch of salt.

To be honest, I would want to throw in the towel at the first opportunity I see. But the fact that God's plan & timing matters most to me than how I feel, or how I would want things to be. There will be times I feel like I don't deserve all these nonsense and put-down's and shoutings, yet a small voice in me calls out to remind me that when Jesus was crucified, He too didn't deserve it. Yet He was obedient, even to the point of death.

"Enjoy the little things. Rule 32."

This seems a little trivial but it really made much difference to the journey thus far. The car rides. The times together alone. The constant mindfulness of the presence. It is all these that have made it possible for me to keep going.

"Recognizing my limits."

To recognize my limits, is to acknowledge that God is limit-less, there is no end or stopping of God. And when this happened this week, it caused me to really want to pause in life and consider my commitment. Till date, some people might conclude that it is better to say no. But I know that I will say yes, and by Faith leave it to Him to open the door and provide for me along the way. Isn't that the Faith mentality of the 5 loaves & 2 fish?

All in all, it has been 8 years 1 month 25 days. The Lord is Good & Faithful, and I can only pray that He uses someone so undeserving like me and in His love for me, to allow me to love others out of His love for me.

He died so that I may live.

To know & To remember

And the last time I remember staying up this late was to mug for exams! :S

I will keep reminding myself this. At age 25, it feels like the best part of life has yet to come. No doubt the stress(ors) of working life have begun to creep in, I am thankful for EHS especially in the past weeks of transition into my (first) job.

It (still) blows my mind to see how God planned EHS at such timing for me; how He placed doors along the way and kept them shut. Something about the doors that I have picked up. Faith, is the act of trying the door handle. If the door opens, go for it. If it stays closed, then let it be whether it's supposed to be that way or otherwise.

People grow up & take on more responsiblities. And I testify to that this afternoon. Strangely enough that it came during this period of my praying over commitments for 2013. The worship ministry. The YAY! Minstry. The Missions Ministry. And now something else comes along.

Thankful. Grateful. For all that I really don't deserve. Yet in the times my rationalization tries to tell me what to do, I pray that the Holy Spirit will convict me to do ONLY what pleases You.

ONLY what pleases You.
In knowing & remembering You.

Wait for the Lord

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~ Psalm 27:14

Things I really don't get it yet I feel like I'm in no position to bring it up to God.
Simple questions like "Why me?" or "Why all these?".

I suppose it's all in my heart's attitude.
If I were in this for the glory and fame, then I better step down this instance.

I am so wrong. SO wrong.
May God forgive me for my selfishness; for my ignorance.

Please bring Your goodness out of this.
Probably there isn't anything Man can do at this point anymore.

To know God is to know silence

Patience with God is Faith.

One of the most looked forward to weekends in the calendar year. Ignoring work calls and messages because I decide to reserve my time for Him. Never mind the storms to come cause God is my anchor and has planned these well ahead of time for me to go through.

I will praise You through the storms,
Be still and know that You are God.

Life (is about) Choices

We were created with a freewill; the ability to decide. This sets us apart from all other creation that He has made. We were designed to fellowship with God; to reign over all of His creation.

There was never a contradiction between God's sovereignty & our given freewill to choose. Like a toddler placed in a playpen; Like a sheep in a sheep pen. If we ever think that we deserve to be outside the pen, then we have not really thought it through.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts..." ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

I am thankful to remain in this pen. The fact that it may feel stifling at times to remain within the boundaries is God's way of protecting me. Many times we look out of the fence, we think the grass is greener on the other side. We forget that in God's Kingdom, God takes care of His sheep; His children. Even if the fields turn barren, the shepherd will find a way to feed his sheep.





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It has definitely been a great learning journey. Sure it came with pains and hurts, but it is emerging out of it that we find that God's grace has been sufficient for us to hang on. I pray for my brother, praying that he will never forget this point; this fact; this truth. I know so surely inside me that all of us, when we hit our walls, will have to choose.

To sit at the wall? To bounce off it and never try again? To think of ways to go around it? Or to go through it? Defining the word breakthrough is simple. Break - through. There is only so much Man can do. I will pray; wait; watch what God leads because I choose to believe in His timing, He will make things turn out good and beautiful to the glory of His Name.

My Sister's Keeper

Because there is just so much more to life, when we choose to embrace it by the Grace of God.

The Sower & The Seeds

Some blame the seeds. Some blame the sower. Others may push the blame to other factors.

But a note to myself, I pray that my heart will always be the good soil that multiplies.

The Desert Song

All of my life.
In every season, You are still God.
I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

Hold on. Never let go. Choose to see it through Your eyes.

Going On

I can't explain what just happened to me.
Yet I know it may return.
Feels like an emotional infant again.
Yet I don't wish to suppress my emotions any longer.

I'm afraid I've allowed myself to run dry. That, is something I have to work on.

When I try prayer, feels like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling.
When I try worship, feels like I am just a hollow vessel making noise.
When I try stillness, feels like my mind has wandered off elsewhere.

Is this what they call the dark night? Cause I find it so familiar that I may have grown used to it. Or maybe I'm being stubborn. Haha. End of the day, I laugh at my own stupidity.

Stillness

Those precious moments of stillness.
The timely delivery of His word.
Things I will not take for granted.
Much needed in times like this.
When I lose sight of You,
I must come back. I must.

I (still) don't understand

Maybe I might never get it. All that reading. All that counsel.

One moment I rejoice that I finally made progress and the next I find myself slipping again.

I ponder over it for long periods of time. I try ways and means to get out of it. The frustration can sometimes threaten to me tip me over. I find myself empathizing with people who even tried taking their own lives; they would go beyond their limits just to fulfil that one desire. The cuts. The pills. The attempts. I even find myself coming to a point of contemplating extreme options.

I know well that I'm capable of doing really dumb stuff. This is me,the old me, would have probably done some seriously atrocious deed.

For sure, the storm brews on and it will only grow stronger and fiercer. It will threaten to destroy everything I have hoped for. But if I choose to give in and give up, what then is Faith?

I know I've been struggling within me to manage this. In some way, it's simply suppressing. I honestly don't think it is the perfect solution but hey, God isn't judging our coping mechanisms.

Truth be told, we all face our storms and we find some odd way to cope with it, mostly suppression being the easiest way out. Whatever it is, I've come to conclude that so long Jesus doesn't have my First Love, no one mechanism or even all of them combined is going to satisfy.

It sounds easy off the lips but trust me when I say I know how tough it can be. In fact, we can be sure that someone else will always have the tougher experience. End of the day, our Saviour who carried the burden for our sins had it worst.

Talk about betrayal; hatred; mockery; slander; hypocrisy; jealousy; repulsion; exclusion. He went through it all and who's to say He won't understand?

Come a few hours and it's that day of the year again. I'm not sure if it's good that I don't quite anything about it anymore, but if I resolved to give God my life my all, this is the path I will stick to.

Weighing the options in the coming months, I guess decisions have to be made. And I pray that I would really seek the wisdom of God to make them.

God has held nothing back so that in Christ Jesus, we might have everything.

He is Lord

Easy to say but I still got to try to keep to it. Temptation has been just so great, yet seems like I'm having this verse for 2013 for a reason. It always blows my mind whenever I consider His goodness in my life. If that is so, how can i ever doubt Him?

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More than always praying for you (and I still do). I thank Him knowing He's got your back; He's watching over you; and He will honour those who truly honour Him. I'm thankful there have been so much for me to learn along the way and I know that I am still work in progress.

I promised that I will take some time, and I know God will deal with me as He deems fit, and I am thankful for what He is doing. Scars are unsightly and comes with pain, yet I can thank God each time I look at them because they remind me of the lessons in life that others and myself can learn from.

Thus far, it has been better than I can ask for. No doubt I would want it differently, I choose to yield to what He has in store. Cause Faith isn't quite the same as Fantasy.

I smile as I tear, and I tear as I smile when I think back. I'm not sure if it is sorrow hidden within the joy, or joy hidden within the sorrow. Nevertheless, I take it as a process and I will go through it. A reason why God is allowing me to go through EHS this season.

On a sidenote, maybe 2013 won't be a time of Genesis for me. :S

Resolve(d).

If this is all I'll ever be, I'll still give my all to be who I can.

Regard less, regardless.

A little slumber, a little busyness.
All it takes to let slip of my true calling.
Need to constantly re-align myself.
Even if I have to do it day after day.

Every great ending has a humble beginning.
Every gigantic fig tree starts out being a tiny seed.