I (still) don't understand

Maybe I might never get it. All that reading. All that counsel.

One moment I rejoice that I finally made progress and the next I find myself slipping again.

I ponder over it for long periods of time. I try ways and means to get out of it. The frustration can sometimes threaten to me tip me over. I find myself empathizing with people who even tried taking their own lives; they would go beyond their limits just to fulfil that one desire. The cuts. The pills. The attempts. I even find myself coming to a point of contemplating extreme options.

I know well that I'm capable of doing really dumb stuff. This is me,the old me, would have probably done some seriously atrocious deed.

For sure, the storm brews on and it will only grow stronger and fiercer. It will threaten to destroy everything I have hoped for. But if I choose to give in and give up, what then is Faith?

I know I've been struggling within me to manage this. In some way, it's simply suppressing. I honestly don't think it is the perfect solution but hey, God isn't judging our coping mechanisms.

Truth be told, we all face our storms and we find some odd way to cope with it, mostly suppression being the easiest way out. Whatever it is, I've come to conclude that so long Jesus doesn't have my First Love, no one mechanism or even all of them combined is going to satisfy.

It sounds easy off the lips but trust me when I say I know how tough it can be. In fact, we can be sure that someone else will always have the tougher experience. End of the day, our Saviour who carried the burden for our sins had it worst.

Talk about betrayal; hatred; mockery; slander; hypocrisy; jealousy; repulsion; exclusion. He went through it all and who's to say He won't understand?

Come a few hours and it's that day of the year again. I'm not sure if it's good that I don't quite anything about it anymore, but if I resolved to give God my life my all, this is the path I will stick to.

Weighing the options in the coming months, I guess decisions have to be made. And I pray that I would really seek the wisdom of God to make them.

God has held nothing back so that in Christ Jesus, we might have everything.

How to deal with it

I honestly do not know.

EHS couldn't have come at a more perfect timing. I'm fearful that EHS might just uncover a side of me that perhaps I never want to see again, or bringing back the emotions that I once thought would be good to lay deep down somewhere inside of me.

EHS has been piercing me through and through with every statement and truth read. It is as though it was written for me to the point that I now question my First Love all these while.

I guess there are 2 choices ahead of me: Run from Him or Run to Him.