Year of change. Season of rest.

So my new journey begins. Frankly it feels so surreal and awkwardly strange to be freed of numerous commitments.

The time to time weekday night meetings. The trainings. The planning. The Sat morning practices. The Sat night evaluations. The Sun morning practices. The Sun afternoon meetings. The Sun afternoon practices.

Seriously time has been freed up yet the question begets how I ought to be utilising the hours? Is it going to be another series of trying to do more and accomplish more? Or an opportune period to catch up on lost time with loved ones? Or perhaps to do what I loved doing that I have not had the chance to do so for the longest time?

Do I miss what I have let go of? I would guess so. Took me a while, yet I began to grasp and appreciate the need to do so, and the beauty of it all.

As I stepped aside from leading a cell of vastly different yet highly dynamic youth, I appreciated how these precious ones rose above the occasion many a times and maturing in many ways. I must certainly agree that one's followers or disciples can really grow only to the level that of their leader. SO TRUE. I realised just how limited I have been to impart and give to my members. Excited at the coming season, because I know God can grow them so much more, with or without me.

And coming to my pet ministry, Worship. This was probably one of my toughest struggles. Worship has always been the anchor of my faith since stepping past the door of the church. Music was what led me to knowing who the God of music is.

Worship is more than music, to me. Worship anchored me especially through the darkest times, the toughest days. Nothing spurs me on more than a power-packed playlist of praise and worship tunes.

With 2014, I really really look forward to a year of change. 2013 has in a way been too cruel to me and I know I am not yet done processing through it all. I am glad that I am no longer stuck, and I am no longer holding on. So yes, it is time to move on. Time to walk away. Just a matter of when.

This past 8 months of serving as a servant leader has been most humbling. Appreciating the love and givings of those before me, serving in arms together on different platforms. Without this portfolio, I would never had given these people all the due respect they deserve, for their true living of Following Christ and Sacrificial Giving. This generation that I am in, or just me, is too many steps behind in comparison.

This window of service revealed to me that I am probably the youngest one amongst the different arms of service. On one hand it opens my eyes to appreciate more yet on the other, it scares me because I wonder how things will turn out just 10 years down the road.

It really does not help that this society is heading for the silver age. It undeniably has a direct influence on how things are going to be around the congregation. To top it off, the current band of leadership are easily twice my age.

I am not an advocate for change for the sake of change. Yet if the upper calling is for us to make a united effort for change to do things better, I am for it. At this point, it just burdens me so much that these are nowhere in sight for the near future. Maybe we will think about it when it comes? Maybe...

There have been far too many learnings and benefits all these years. However, one particularly stood out as I reflected on my drive home today. I reflected on defining a true friend. I reflected on the traits and values of a true friend. There weren't too many that I could collect in my memory, yet I am thankful for every one whom I could count.

Note To Self: Be a true friend in speech and in deed.

Long time coming

Seems like I have not spoken to you in ages. Tonight's reminder just can't be any better timing...

I pray, either you enlarge my plate or take stuff off it. I choose to believe there is nothing you cannot redeem.

It's been great thus far. Yet, it can be greater; better. Trusting you all the way.

Intimacy with you is a necessity of life.

The Strength to Stand Alone

On Guard

Barely a day has passed, and so much has had to happen.

God, thanks for putting all these in my life. I know well that at the end of it all, they were meant to strengthen me; my faith in You; my dependency on You.

Show me how to love like You have loved me.

Where does my Help come from

I guess where I am placed this season, there is far more for me to learn than I can imagine.

Question is, how much am I willing to rely on Him and humble myself to learn; to love; to live?

A Self-Awareness of Limits

I think it's a season of limits right now. Not just recognizing mine, but in others as well and learning to embrace theirs.

One of the challenges I'm challenged with, is rejection. I begin to see how it was shaped through my years of growing up (hopefully am still), and for me to appreciate how it can be my strength as well as my weakness.

Hence the greater need to be anchored/abide in God. A greater dependency on Him to reveal these things to me who in all my wisdom, will never understand.

For what is worth, I hope I remain thankful for what has happened thus far. I pray for His help to remain sane in the midst of Martha-ing yet finding the time to be Mary-ing.

To greater glorify You, is to boldly declare my weakness and dependence on You. Alone.

Stay Rested

Despite being a long weekend, it doesn't feels like it.
One can simply tell by reading my previous entry.
Plagued with typos in an attempt to blog before I nod off. LOL.

The busying on Good Friday.
The need to return to office on Sat.
The busying again on Sunday.

Things I've learned & appreciated along the way, yet I have to examine my lifestyle.
I want to be mindful of what I am choosing in life.
Else, I fall into a vicious cycle of losing my connectivity with Him.

And I fear that so often.
I fear that I lose the sensitivity to hear God in the hardening environment of my workplace.
I fear that I lose the passion & desire to wait upon the Lover of my Soul.

So I will keep my eyes fixed on high and far above.
To a Savior who gave ALL of Himself for me.
For Him I will choose to live my life.

OH THAT RUGGED CROSS

Oh that rugged cross my salvation 
Where Your love poured out over me 
Now my soul cries out hallelujah 
Praise and honour unto Thee 


Song that has been playing through the week in my car.
A timely reminder.
Where I am & why I am.

In less than 24 hours, I'd be up on the pulpit sharing my 2nd sermonette.
A sermonette that God has used my life's circumstance to speak to me.
I can only pray that my focus be fixed on Him and not on my situation.

Just today, things went to a whole new level.
"If you were in Korea, you'd be dead" was the remark.

You know how people used to read of encouragements like
Obeying God even though we do not understand why.
Easy to say, hard to practice. So true.

Here's something to share from last night:

Self-Correcting

So apparent that a leader is supposed to be able self-direct; self-counsel; self-correct.
Question is, to what standards? By whose guidance? And how does one knows he's there?

1. The Holy Spirit. The God-Partnering Spirit (GPS), is the only device a Christian leader ought to follow. A GPS in this case, is better than an actual one. The Holy Spirit is one who constantly guides a Godly leader, especially when he's lost.

I guess it really applies much to me, in this season where there's so much darkness. It's funny how every season of darkness that shrouds me seem to be bigger than the previous one. Toughest thing to do, probably to really listen to Him and obey.

2. The Bible. The infallible Word of God (Yes I still don't get that definition). But I guess one thing I have experienced in the last 8 years, is that the Word must come to life through application. It is so much more than celebrating the victories and the joys read, the pains and the brokenness. It is in the pain; the sorrow; the defeats, that showed me so much of God.

I will always remember the principles I've picked up along the way in reading the Bible. Pointers that I have kept deep in my heart because they have taught me much and shaped me who I am today through life's experiences. My life experiences.

3. The Counsel. Thank God for the loveliest and dearest peoples in my life. Those who loved me for who I am, and those who showed me who really loved me. People who God must have placed along my life to point me back to Him.

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I really don't think I deserve to be where I am, I don't.

A Realization

The greatest blow is not in the knowing.
It lies in the assumption that every effort was made;
that one has been trying to do things the 'right' way;
that a given input should naturally come a given output.

But sorry, that's just not how God works.

Passion & Compassion

It sums it all. This season of waiting upon You.
Somehow, every occurrence and event is only a part of Your greater plan.

Perhaps this is a confirmation; a sign from You for me to move in 2013.
You know too well how I feel inside me, and I'm glad You do even without me telling You.

In a way, I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do much to change the situation. Yet, I'm learning from the journey of not being in control, and watching You come through. Frankly, I wouldn't hesitate a single bit if You were to call me out this instant. But I suppose it doesn't always happen the way I envision it to be.

Another sign I picked up today: Emotional distance. The last 3 weeks really isn't the best season for me. A topic that some probably feel that it is His timing for this season. Perhaps? I don't know if that applies to myself. Not anymore. If there is 1 thing that I picked up about pleasing Him, it is the fact that my heart's desire must firstly be God Himself & not necessarily the girl of my life whom I think I desire. To stop living a false illusion that there is a girl of my heart's desire out there waiting. He didn't exactly promise that right?

Calling the grapes sour or choosing to avoid. I feel like I have been doing all I can. I can't say I have surrendered it, but I choose to lay it down. It is wearing me and getting to me. It isn't healthy, and something has to be done about it. I guess I'm just too stubborn to seek help about this, I'll just manage along.

On a side note, maybe He is more interested in another facade of my life currently. It seemed like in the past weeks He has been reminding me, and it seems to have become clearer now. No doubt about it, Ps Benny has done a marvelous job presenting the issue of a typical modern BGR concept in the local church context, yet the sorely-lacking education of God-centeredness is resounding in me. The fact that a God-honouring relationship ought to show signs of spiritual growth and maturity between the two willing boy & girl coming together.

It is pretty darn obvious that it is getting to me. I fear it'll get worse and consume me. Doesn't help the fact that time isn't exactly on my side & I feel like I've not been coming back to my Source. I'm glad for the coming 2 weekend breaks. Maybe some time by myself will do me good. Just You & me, away to a far place where no one will find us.

I know I'm not quite the goody guy, but I pray that least I give my best. There is just so much ahead for me to work on, and I should be thankful that God is giving me the grace & time & space to uncover slowly each aspect of my life that needs to be surrendered to Him.

"So that You may live a life worthy of the Lord..."

Grate-full

Perhaps it is a reminder to be thankful.

Not the way I imagined it to be, but surely He has His kreative ways.

Note to self: salt & light of the world. And that means first to be in the midst of the darkness, cause that's where the smallest flame shines the brightest.

By My Side

No one else would ever do.
I got a stubborn heart for you.

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I attribute his success to his ability to echo what most hearts yearn for.
Apart from his own experiences & journey, his talented voice easily wins hearts over.

Maybe in some way, our faith journey is like that.
The spillover; the overflow of God's fragrance in our lives that draws souls.
The authenticity of one's love for another.

No one else would ever do.

He is Lord

Easy to say but I still got to try to keep to it. Temptation has been just so great, yet seems like I'm having this verse for 2013 for a reason. It always blows my mind whenever I consider His goodness in my life. If that is so, how can i ever doubt Him?

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More than always praying for you (and I still do). I thank Him knowing He's got your back; He's watching over you; and He will honour those who truly honour Him. I'm thankful there have been so much for me to learn along the way and I know that I am still work in progress.

I promised that I will take some time, and I know God will deal with me as He deems fit, and I am thankful for what He is doing. Scars are unsightly and comes with pain, yet I can thank God each time I look at them because they remind me of the lessons in life that others and myself can learn from.

Thus far, it has been better than I can ask for. No doubt I would want it differently, I choose to yield to what He has in store. Cause Faith isn't quite the same as Fantasy.

I smile as I tear, and I tear as I smile when I think back. I'm not sure if it is sorrow hidden within the joy, or joy hidden within the sorrow. Nevertheless, I take it as a process and I will go through it. A reason why God is allowing me to go through EHS this season.

On a sidenote, maybe 2013 won't be a time of Genesis for me. :S

Into the Unknown

Detachments and Attachments.
To press on and move forward into the unknown; through the Wall. I know surely He has great things in store for those who stay faithful and remain true in their love for Him, He who loves much.

Wait. I will be a waiter.
Who am I is no longer as important as Whose am I.
There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned. 

L.O.V.E.

The biggest topic of the season. At least I thought it was so for me. Until I realize God meant it in a different manner. One that showed me the worst side of myself. One that reminded myself how badly I needed His Great love.

He had already spoke quite clearly once back then. I knew it but I guess I refused to accept it. The part of me that needs to be corrected; to cut off. So why this revelation? I still do not know, but I have come to accept that though I don't, I will trust and obey.

If it means to give up my dreams and desires. If it means to learn to get real with my fears and failures. If it means to find myself in a whole new environment.

To put it bluntly, God has been pretty nasty to me. Sorry I don't have a better description for it but yes, nasty. In almost every significant event/moment/season of my life, there is always that mark of failure. A scar that sticks with me till today, thanks to the superb long-term memory He gave me too. Yes I tend to remember things very well, and for a very long, long, long time.

I must say it has been an eventful 6 months. A season filled with much learning and experiencing. Fear and Failure have seem to find familiarity with me. Can I call myself a man of failures? Hmmm...I guess I'll learn that soon. But coming back to my point, yes the last 6 months I would sum up as amazingly good. After all, God who loves me is the same God who saved me =)

It's such irony that I distaste the fact that He put me through all that failures and seasons of valley yet I find stuff to be thankful for. Stuff that some might never understand in their entire living. I guess that's just me. That's just how God meant for me to be.

So Lord please keep my heart tender, regardless of how much more 'crap' I have to go through. Because I see Your hand in every situation and Your provision and providence always comes through. Because I am better owing to the fact that You meant it all good for those You love.
Because I don't want to miss out on what You are doing in and through my life.

When God says yes, He is increasing my faith.
When God says no, He has something better.
When God says wait, He is increasing my patience. 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

Just another (sun)day

Things to really ponder over. Over the last 48hours. The fact that I overthink doesn't help...

The cell dinner.
The timely sermon preached today.
The horrific sight at the coffeeshop.
The 40family briefing.
The soccer game.
The badminton session.

It is good to really be still and wait upon Him. Cause it is in the stillness where we hear Him.

Memories

And You led me to peek into it.
I flipped to the first page as the settled dust scatters.
As I turned page by page, the memories return.
Memories that I wished never return.

The greatest irony would be me. Myself.
Count on the saving grace of God, yet I remain trapped in the past.
Regard myself in Him and a new creation, yet time and again I question myself.
So end of the day, have I truly come to know who Jesus is?

If I really do, then there has to some form of indication.
It has barely been a week after the camp, I pity myself for fearing that
all the passion and rising of faith were only but of the moment.
That true living out of Faith in Christ Jesus being short lived,
That all the declarations and acclamations were nothing but lip service.
Surely the God we claim to worship cannot be mocked.
I pray, that our hearts come to true repentance.
Before it is all too late.

We need a greater dosage of Jesus.
We need to be injected and infected with Jesus.
We need to find ourselves so crazy about Jesus that the world is able to notice a change in us.
We need to throw off a lot of hindrance and stand up for our Faith.

Deal With It

It was an authentic struggle I faced.
Something additional this Christmas has taught me.
A lesson beyond the usual Christmas season brings with it.
And I thank God for it. What more, the double reminder and emphasis.

So I resolved.
I have only but minute wisdom on my own.
My plans are limited by my short foresight.
It is all about seeking His plans and timing.

Some say it's silly. Some disagree. Some can't be bothered anymore.
But if there is one thing I would choose to, is follow what the Bible tells me.
So God I want to surrender once more, even if I have to keep repeating it.
An act of surrender; an acknowledgement of Your Lordship; A heart of sonship.

My Heavenly Father loves me.
For that fact, He will only have what is best for me.
Till then, be it unto me.
As long as He wants it, I will desire the same.

Back to your heart

Interesting week. Had a visit to MINDS on Friday.

People with handicapped mental abilities. Not a disease. Not a sickness.

Just happened to be born this way.

Have I ever thanked God for the normal working brain that I have?

I doubt so.

Friday night had cell. No expectations and I was feeling "ugly" spiritually.

People were not coming.

Stuff was not prepared.

Still, 2 guests visited and seem to be potential for outreach.

Must be God.

Saturday had to wake up early to do canvassing.

It was eventually a nice experience.

Had YA leaders meeting with Ps Chua.

Was reminded of my walk with God.

How much time/week do I even give to God.

Sigh...

Sat night. Planned to chill out with friends.

Yet after dinner, fell into a deep sleep only to wake up on Sun morning.

Must be a divine power that caused me to rest so much.

Went to church. Left to draw money for church camp fee.

Felt the tugging to join the 9am prayer, The Gap.

It struck me so hard to see that i was the only young person in the room.

I wondered to myself. Why like that?

Only God knows.

Today's message struck a chord with YA leaders meeting yesterday.

A deep and clear reminder to come back to His feet.

To rest and to hear.

To pray and to reflect.

To intercede and to teach.

All these things. Yet with so many other things around from the world.

What to prioritize? Which one to give more time to?

Unity was mentioned again.

I glanced around quickly.

With a doubt, I wondered if that could ever be true.

Forgive me Lord for doubting.

It is a sin in itself.

Teach me O Lord and cause me to be teachable.

To be loving. To be compassionate.

For you are love.

You are life.

You are all glorious.

Amen.